I finally decided to start posting regularly on my social media accounts and I ended up getting a ton of messages from people welcoming me back or asking where I have been. In all honesty, I needed a break. I run my personal training business here in Baltimore and as I was getting ready for the wedding, I only worked online with the clients I already had and trained my clients in the gym; I did not take on any new clients and I was getting really sick of social media (I am pretty sure this is called "no new friends" but I also didn't know what Rick Ross meant when he was talking about pineapples so I can't be too sure). I can't say that I was really hating anything or anyone, because I am of the mindset that its your account or page, and you can post whatever you damn well please. I think its healthy to post selfies and toot your own horn. I mean, in today's society, everyone is just tearing themselves apart, so a little pat on the back does wonders. I always say that what you see in other people, you actually see in yourself. So, any problem you have with someone, is actually a mirror image of the problem you have with you. I think that's where I was tripped up. My identity was IFBB Pro Toni Perdikakis. Fitness and bodybuilding were something that no one else could ever take credit for. It is something I built from scratch, I put everything into, and watched it grow. And all of a sudden, I started adding all of these other additions to my identity.....like wife and stepmom. I had a really hard time finding balance with that. I didn't want to fail so I was literally reading books about blended families and how to do things the "right way". So here I am, a personal trainer and health coach, an IFBB Pro (yes this is an accomplishment, but I have yet to be able to pay for my groceries or gas with that pro card.....doesn't have a magnetic strip), a wife and a stepmom. I was chasing my own tail; I wasn't really sick of social media, I think I just had no idea when I could post and what the hell to post! Fitness is not something I ever compromise so that was staying, along with all the others, SO I WOULD JUST BE 4 PEOPLE AT ONCE AND HOPE FOR THE BEST. I already know how to be a trainer and an athlete. I had to learn the other ones.....and most 2 year olds dont exactly wait for you to feel comfortable and ready before they start their day. It was definitely a learning curve. I had so many questions and concerns. Yes, this is my lifestyle,but I don't want my stepdaughter to be exposed to "dieting". Does this man really know what he got himself into? OMG, if I am not competing this year, then what am I going to do? How will I look in a bikini? YOU MEAN I CAN EAT MY WEDDING CAKE AND NOT HAVE TO DO CARDIO IN THE MORNING?!!?! Just like my Christmas cookie epiphany, this was a whole new world. All of the changes in my life were really personal, and I am not one to totally open up about my life with people. I didn't really know where to focus so I just kept to myself.....and I am so thankful I followed my own lead on that one. I am a great wife (with the exception of hormonal meltdowns.....another wonderful side effect of a healthy curvy body.....regular menstrual cycles) and I spend a ton of time with my stepdaughter, who I love with all of my heart. I finally felt in my groove over there, and I realized that I had to focus on what makes me tick too. I love to teach people. I love to train people. I love to make people laugh. I love to really make my clients think and push through whats holding them back. I know what I bring to the table and I finally felt ready and comfortable in my own skin to open up. This may seem silly, but I have never claimed sanity to be one of my strong suits. I needed a little time to rework my priorities and my life. I had to make sure I could give 100% to all of my hats, and I do. Sometimes, my 100% in the wife department is more like a circus in my husband's eyes and sometimes my stepdaughter tells me she doesn't like me because I won't let her eat candy 24/7, but its life....you win some you lose some. So, thank you, for being patient and supportive. Thank you for all of the messages and love, through the wedding and even now. Thank you for making me feel like I was doing something right. I am human and I am glad I am at a point where I can admit that (for a very long time, I believed that I was a super hero and could save the world....all of it). I am here, showing up, and giving you all I got, because thats just what I do. I am just trying to give every day 150% and make it out alive.
All of my love and gratitude,